And the absence of such signs is also read and serves as an indicator of a person’s attitude towards you

In the contact of close people, even unexpressed gratitude is felt by people, they understand it. And they also understand the absence of this inner gratitude. A special expression of gaze, a touch, a special tone of voice, the desire to repay, help, do something pleasant – all these are signs of gratitude not expressed in words. And these signs are instantly read by your communication partners, bringing them deep satisfaction. And the absence of such signs is also read and serves as an indicator of a person’s attitude towards you. So, a gloomy husband can eat your food, never thank, not praise it, but under the pressure of your outrage, say that yes, of course, thank you, he is grateful. But the woman understands that she is not grateful. For gratitude is read without words. Words without inner experience at least showed her that the person wants to please her. And so without words, and without body language speaking of gratitude, absolutely sadness.

The origins of ingratitude

Parents should not overestimate their role in shaping the personality of their children. The environment brings up, and the child’s environment is much wider than his family. And the older the child, the wider the environment. The information that is overflowing with the modern world is also part of the environment, practically uncontrollable.

But in the topic of gratitude, the role of parents is extremely important. But in my opinion, it is decisive. The child understands what gratitude is precisely by observing loved ones, he learns to be grateful or ungrateful. Both in form and in terms of feeling.

The child first of all observes how gratitude manifests itself in his family. Is it accepted to express it? Or 123helpme.me does everyone believe that loved ones “should” fulfill their duties and there is nothing to thank for? Does dad say “thank you” to mom for dinner? Does mom thank dad for everyday help? Do people thank each other for small services? Or is it taken for granted, as it should be?

If a child does not see clear signs of gratitude of household members to each other, then he does not learn to show it and is not aware of what, in fact, to thank.

So, if you think that your mother should babysit her grandchildren, feed you, and there is not much to thank for (well, perhaps in passing), then you teach the same child. And if you are sure that, of course, your husband is obliged to meet, drive, repair your car, carry groceries, you take this for granted, you teach this to your child, he will also treat your investments.

Masha, the mother of 1.5-year-old twins, invited her mother-in-law to her home to help prepare food and sit with the children. The mother-in-law agreed, but set a condition on days, in others she worked. Masha was inwardly indignant, because it was about children, how can you compare work and dear grandchildren! The mother-in-law came without a gift, and Masha counted on, besides, her mother never came to the children empty-handed. At a visit, the mother-in-law did not immediately take up work, she watched TV for a long time and spoke on the phone with her husband. Masha’s indignation grew. As a result, the mother-in-law did cook some food (but not according to the recipe that Masha asked) and took a walk with her grandchildren while Masha went about her business (they came damp, although Masha asked to be careful). As a result of the visit, Masha accumulated so much irritation on her mother-in-law that she said goodbye to her through her teeth, then even cried.

In the above example, the woman did not experience not an ounce of gratitude, but she felt a lot of indignation at the behavior of her mother-in-law. This happened because the woman came up with a script for her mother-in-law and was worried that she did not want to fit into it. In the woman’s view, Masha’s mother-in-law immediately had a lot: to break off at her first call, postponing work; get down to business energetically immediately after arrival; cook what Masha thought was right; walk the Machine routine. As a result, in a situation where gratitude would be natural, no gratitude happened, but accusations and tears happened.

In this example, the scheme of ingratitude is clearly visible:

1. A person believes that he should be in advance. This “must” is in no way consistent with the opinion of the Other, in no way coordinated with his intentions. And that’s all, there is nothing to argue. In general, the basis of any ingratitude is in the feeling of what you owe by birthright: love, respect, material wealth, opportunities, and so on. And providing this is just the restoration of justice in life.

2. Any deviation from the “I owe” scenario is declared an error, which the other must iron out.

3. All the good that has been done is absorbed by the mass of mistakes, thus annulled. Of course, something has been done, but so many jambs …

4. As a result, the balance is zero, there is nothing to thank.

This scheme is also used by children. They are also not completely happy with what you do for them. Do you clean, wash, iron? So he doesn’t care, this is not his scenario, he looks like in an unironed one and stubs under the pillow are not a problem for him. Do you give money? So others give more, not these pennies. Feed? Well, it goes without saying. And also add how many troubles from parents: brain removal, all sorts of restrictions, often assault … As a result, there is zero balance, there is nothing to be thankful for.

But it was not the child who came up with this scheme, this is the scheme of adults, the child only picked up it. If your child is ungrateful, answer yourself honestly – are you grateful? To your parents, husband, wife, mother-in-law, friends? How often do these people hear your thanks? Compared to how many complaints they hear from you …

Most people are grateful only on special occasions, but habitually they feel resentment that they were not given enough. They were poorly brought up, poorly supported, sent to the wrong place to study, today they are underestimated and paid little, poorly looked after, the spouse offends, not the government and the climate. It is in this environment that a child is formed who does not know what gratitude is.

How often do you talk with your child about the fact that getting a free education is actually a value? Or has he heard more often from you how terrible schools are today?

Do you appreciate the fact that an ambulance team comes to you promptly? Or did all the energy go to criticism of modern medicine and the indifference of doctors?

Is there any gratitude to fate for living in a world of great opportunities? Or do you regret that yours is not covered with pink rugs, and competitors and taxes bother you?

Your beliefs about whether there is anything to be grateful for personally shape the beliefs of your children.

Children grow up grateful in families:

– where they are grateful to their parents and show it

Yes, if you yell at your elders, talk to your mother dismissively and demandingly, then expect the same from your children.

 If there is no gratitude to your parents, but on the contrary there is indignation at their past sins and today’s stupidity, then your children will not have gratitude to you. You will also have drawbacks, and the model of criticism is here at hand.

– where mom and dad are grateful to each other for what they do

Here the principle is simple: if in the family it is considered that it is unnecessary to thank (but inside, of course, there is gratitude, yes), everyone just does their job, then the child is simply not aware that something will be required of him in the area of ​​gratitude. If mom doesn’t say “thank you” to dad for the food bags, and dad doesn’t say thank you to mom for lunch and ironed shirts, then the child will naturally not say “thank you” for anything.

This is a ridiculously simple topic, but people need to learn to speak polite words in the family, to express gratitude. For the fact that someone made concessions, for signs of attention, for delicacy, for support, for everyday concerns. If this is, no special education is needed, the child will absorb this environment and will own at least a form of gratitude.

– where adults have the conviction that no one owes them anything, and if they receive something, then it is worthy of inner gratitude

You cannot beat out gratitude by force, plant it with fire and sword, so to speak. External gratitude, let’s say, is still possible, but for this a person must be very afraid of you. And the inner one is absolutely impossible.

It is also counterproductive to squeeze out gratitude by fueling the child’s feelings of guilt. Some parents use such tactics, sometimes unconsciously, but in some places very consciously: they tell the child how hard they got it, what they had to endure and invest to make him grow so good. And the birth was terrible, the mother almost died, and cried all night long, the parents almost went crazy, and then they got sick and hurt, and then the school went, so many gifts were transferred to teachers, how many were given to tutors …. And my father was pounding at five jobs, and my mother left the institute.